I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of it you know… everything. I’m sick of being told who I have to be, how I have to act, what I have to do, who I can and can’t be friends with, how to think… I can’t just be myself. Its getting to my head, I find myself thinking ways that aren’t me, they’re someone else’s thoughts planned in my head. Everyone has such high expectations of me, they forget I’m human. And I’m never satisfied with myself ‘cos I always think I can do better… All my own ideas or opinions are belittled because I’m young, I haven’t seen the world. Then I get told what is the right way. I’m never free to do what I want, I haven’t played with my parents knowing in 6 months, even if I just need to be alone for a bit, or make my own plans without telling them every detail I get in trouble… I’m sick of it. I’m sick of pretending to be someone I’m not, to feel how I don’t, to be how I’m not.
Scars shall heal, smiles will return.
I’m do happy right now.
About a three weeks ago I told my girlfriend that I would stop cutting. I asked her did she wasn’t to stop with me, I told her that it’s saddens me so much knowing she cut.
I never told her to not to do it, she already has too many hypocrites in her life. She told me she couldn’t, it was her only release, otherwise she turns bitter on everyone and gets really moody. I said nothing. I understood. I’m the same.
I with a lot of self-control and help from a friend stopped entirely, I never told her.
Yesterday, we were cuddling together on the bed and she said “I threw out all my blades yesterday”. She came to the decision herself. My Amazing girl.
I’ve never been so proud.
This is for you Anna
You are amazing, you make my life so much better, you make me feel great, you are so goddamn amazing. You are beautiful, inside and out. You are so genuine, so honest, so real. You have this effect on me; I forget all my problems and just want to spend time with you. I love holding you in my arms, and I know that sometimes I’m too public with my affection, but I just want to show the world that I am with the most amazing girl I’ve ever known. I love everything about you, the way you bite your lip, your sarcastic American accent, how you talk to the dog, every little thing. I even love your faults, because your faults are part of you and I can find a good thing about every one of them.
And you are so gorgeous. I know you disagree, but it’s true. You are beautiful. All of you, every inch. I know you don’t like your eyes, but I find them so incredibly gorgeous, remember the first time I tried to show you that I liked you, I told you you have pretty eyes, and I mean it your eyes are so clear, they don’t hide anything, they’re not trying to. And you are hot as hell, you really are, I find you so sexy and it’s not just how you look, it’s how you move, how you act, how you talk, everything.
You make me feel so peaceful inside, you calm me down, I love you and I feel loved. You are so amazing. Anna, you really are and you don’t even realise it, I love you so much, you truly are one of the best thing that had happened to me in as long as I can remember. I love you, Anna. There aren’t any words in any language that even come close to describing how I feel for you. You are so great. I am so grateful that I met you and I feel so happy whenever I see you.
Anna, I love you.
Hidden in the open
When someone finds my tumblr, they are given a unique gateway into my mind, my thoughts and my private life. I never tell people my tumblr handle, though I do occasionally mention I am on tumblr.
This is my journal, so open in it’s nature that it’s hidden. So public it’s private. So accessable, the chances that someone I know will find it are nil. And if they do, I don’t really care, they found it by chance.
Es ist kompiketziert.
That’s“ it’s compicated” for those who don’t speak german, but what selfrespecting card doesn’t speak german. Anyhoo, I have this crush on a chick at school and I don’t know her name, but that’s not where the complication is that I promised my friend, who happens to be a chick, that Id show them who i like, so I did. She has a problem with it though. The girl I like is her primary school teacher’s daughter, personally I don’t see the big deal. But she’s not happy with that so she won’t tell me the chick’s name. Only makes me wanna know more.
12 of spades
Sucks Rocks, (I never thought I’d say that) .
Put all the homework and boring lectures and detention and tests and segregation and examination and the general corruption eccetra behind you for a moment and think of what it lets you achieve, how it lets you develop, in the real world all these problems are still there and most of them are worse.
I’ve made it my personal goal this year to get mostly “A”s in my J.C. and if I’m gonna do that I need to work for it and forget about the problems with the schooling system.
Signing out: 12 of Spades
I recently got in a fight with a close friend over an issue which I, personally, didn’t find very important. The issue, you may ask, is how much I texted (actually didn’t text) him during summer break. I spent 7/9 weeks of the holidays in France with my grandparents, and my grandparents, being old, didn’t have Internet, nor was their location so I had no reception.
So now my friend, let’s call him ” 8 of spades”, has been giving me the cold shoulder, me being an empathetic person apologised ( multiple times), but nothing has worked. Now that school has restarted “8 of spades” has told the rest of the “hand” to ignore me.
My reaction was to just find new friends. The problem is none of the other people are the “same suite” as me. But now I don’t know what to do. I never my best friend would be the one playing the ” marked cards”.